6 Months

"A blessing is not always easy, painless, simple, comfortable or expected." -Mary Southerland


6 months ago today I left my oldest baby behind to go to China and pick up our newest family addition. I had no idea what I was in for....

I hope the brutal honesty of this blog doesn't offend anyone. But, I want you to know what it's really like. Or, atleast what it was like for me....

It's taken me this long just to get a grip on all the changes that have happened in our family, how adoption has changed each of us, changed the family dynamic, and changed my relationship with Christ. It's taken me 6 months to be able to sit at this computer and blog.

You have no idea what it's going to be like...

You get this child that has 2 years with someone else (Alba was fostered). She has their traits, their characteristics, their rules and morals. She doesn't understand why you get upset when she disobeys and she doesn't understand why she can't have her way ALL OF THE TIME. She wants to control everything because honestly, she can't control anything. She's been ripped away from the only home she's ever known and she doesn't understand why. She has night terrors. She hits. She screams. She purposely pees on herself. She doesn't like to be in a room with the door shut. She loses her mind and acts like you are burning her with fire when you wash her hair. And, it's kinda hard to love her through it.

It seems like it would be easy right? You know the child's background... you know where they came from... you've read the books and realize this behavior is normal... you're prepared. But when they are screaming bloody murder and slapping you across the face, all that goes out the window.

You have no idea how many times I've pleaded with God.... please, let me see what you see. Help me to love her the way you love her. Help me to feel the same way about her as I do about McHaney. I just being honest people. It's been hard. And sometimes, I felt like God wasn't answering my pleas quickly enough. It was a tough 4 or 5 months...

But guess what? God is SOOOO faithful. I cry as I sit here typing, remembering days when I thought, "what have I done?" Then, when the holidays were over and things calmed a bit, I felt my heart start to shift. Things were changing. And now, I realize full well that God has answered all of my prayers.

There is no difference between Alba and Mc in my heart anymore. The love I feel for each of them is the same. I feel what I can only describe as redemption for my hard human heart. God heard my prayers and was faithful.

I'm able to see Alba the way God sees her. My eyes are no longer fogged over with selfishness and dread. I love her full on. She's my baby. God made her for me. She's funny, and quirky, and bossy, and full of life. She loves me more than anything else on earth, except maybe french fries. She's forgiven my faults and shortcomings and accepts me as her Mama even when I fail her.

And that my friends, is unconditional mommy daughter love. That is a blessing.

Thank you God for answering my prayers and for never leaving me even when I doubted...