Have you ever been so exhausted by something that you don't even want to sit down and think about it? That's how I feel right now. The last week has exhausted me mentally and emotionally, so much that I've been putting writing this post off for a while! But, I know if I don't do it, I will hate myself when the girls are older and I want to look back and remember....
Last Wednesday marked "one week from leaving." That day, I felt bed all day and cried myself to sleep. (And, those of you that know me, know I'm not a crier.) Thursday I felt pretty bad too....
I think it's that I feel like I'm prepared for whatever comes my way with Alba. We took classes, I've read books, I've prepared myself for the worst. I think I can do it. Unfortunately, no one has written a book about how to leave your other child, the one whose been your constant companion and precious joy for the last five years, behind for two weeks.... two weeks and one day. It's devastating, and I feel broken. Really, I'm not being dramatic. It is REALLY hard.
Anyway, Friday was looking up and Saturday we had a lovely day full of friends... a great soccer game, lunch with our besties, a neighborhood potluck and drinks afterwards with our neighbors the Wards (which, if I haven't mentioned it before, we seriously could not have lucked out more on that end... they are pretty awesome.) Sunday, we spent the day packing and finishing up Alba's room, watching 9/11 stuff, which made me cry of course b/c I'm already an emotional basketcase, enjoyed some time with the lifegroup and had an all around great weekend. Then, the tears came....
I've noticed Mc being a little quieter and clingier than usual and acting out a little, but nothing serious. And, when I ask if something is wrong, she says no... then, last night, as she was brushing her teeth, the tears came. Big crocodile tears... she said she didn't know why. She just felt sad. I've really never felt worse as a mother. I know this is all normal and it happens to everybody, but honestly that doesn't make it easier. Finally she looked up at me and asked if she would have to watch all baby shows when Alba got here, and if Dora and Diego would have to go away... (b/c everyone knows those are shows for big kids, right?) She asked several more questions after that about the trip and the whole getting a new sister thing. Things I've been wanting her to ask for weeks... and, I think in the end, she felt better. But, I did not. Once again I cried for hours....
Today, I've been weepy all day (and honestly, she was a little weepy on and off today too)....I cried this morning, cried dropping her off at school, cried tonight after she went to bed, cried on the phone with the computer man.... I feel like a crazy person!!!!!! (It doesn't help that she's told me 3 times today she wants to "be wiff me forever" and that she "doesn't want me to go to China."
So, that's all I got. The journey has been wonderful, but here at the end, it's tough. I feel satan's attack from all directions and would covet your prayers for us and Mc and Alba during the next few weeks.
I promise my next post will be more positive!!!! :)
RP
2 comments:
:( I love you sees! Mc is gonna be fine. It's so awesome that she can tell u her worries even at such a young age. I feel like a choice like this that will eventually be so rewarding to your family and to God cannot come without some hardship on the front end--feels like growing pains. You are such a good mama to Mc, and even though this is tough for her, she knows you adore her. I promise to pray pretty much most waking hours for yall! Love y'all.
Ps Tell Mc that Doc and I will skype her everyday at Mimi and Ga's. I'm sure Doc will even do some animal voices.
-sees
oooh, she would love that! thank you. I love you!
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